# Island ## Posts - [Trump Says Taking Greenland Is ‘Totally a Great Idea,’ Ignores Fact It Comes With People](https://humorbeast.com/trump-says-taking-greenland-is-totally-a-great-idea-ignores-fact-it-comes-with-people-2/): WASHINGTON — Former President Donald Trump reaffirmed his long-standing interest in acquiring Greenland this week, calling the plan “totally a great idea” while appearing genuinely surprised to learn that the massive Arctic island is, in fact, not empty real estate. https://www.tornwires.com/trump-says-taking-greenland-is-totally-a-great-idea-ignores-fact-it-comes-with-people - [Robert Mueller Dead At 81](https://humorbeast.com/robert-mueller-dead-at-81/): Former FBI director Robert Mueller, who served as special counsel in the probe of President Trump and Russian interference in the 2016 election, has died at age 81, with Trump responding by saying, “Good, I’m glad he’s dead.” What do you think? - [ICE Agents Swab Passengers’ Hands To Test For Immigrant Residue](https://humorbeast.com/ice-agents-swab-passengers-hands-to-test-for-immigrant-residue/): Post Content - [Markets Surge After Trump Claims He Had Sex With An Angel](https://humorbeast.com/markets-surge-after-trump-claims-he-had-sex-with-an-angel/): NEW YORK—In what came as a welcome shock to investors amid recent dips in the global economy, markets reportedly surged Tuesday after President Donald Trump wrote in a Truth Social Post that he’d had sex with an angel. “I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT OVER THE LAST TWO DAYS AN ANGEL HAS VISITED ME IN […] - [Mom, Dad Disagree About How Dad Likes Eggs](https://humorbeast.com/mom-dad-disagree-about-how-dad-likes-eggs/): CINCINNATI—With their adult child watching in silence as they bickered openly in front of patrons at the Park Diner, local parents Steven and Lorraine Helms were reportedly disagreeing Tuesday about how Dad likes his eggs. “No, I tried making them over-hard that one time, and it ruined your whole day, remember?” said Lorraine Helms, who […] - [Audience Aghast As Haggard Hannah Montana Confronts Miley Cyrus Onstage](https://humorbeast.com/audience-aghast-as-haggard-hannah-montana-confronts-miley-cyrus-onstage/): LOS ANGELES—Widening their eyes in horror as the blond creature crawled out from behind the curtains in a pair of tattered rhinestone jeans, terrified audience members reportedly watched Tuesday as a haggard Hannah Montana confronted Miley Cyrus on stage during their Disney sitcom’s 20th-anniversary special. “Thought you could get rid of me that easy, did […] - [Cameraman Sitting Under Basket Spread-Eagle](https://humorbeast.com/cameraman-sitting-under-basket-spread-eagle/): Post Content - [We’re Hiring You To Fix Our Communications But We Will Not Be Communicating About Our Communication](https://humorbeast.com/were-hiring-you-to-fix-our-communications-but-we-will-not-be-communicating-about-our-communication/): Look, we need someone to communicate here and it’s not going to be us. Continue reading on Slackjaw » - [Chappell Roan Makes Amends By Kidnapping 11-Year-Old Fan](https://humorbeast.com/chappell-roan-makes-amends-by-kidnapping-11-year-old-fan/): SÃO PAULO—In an effort to rectify the misunderstanding between the young girl, the girls’ parents, and herself, pop star Chappell Roan kidnapped the 11-year-old fan who was upset by a security guard while in São Paulo to attend Lollapalooza Brasil, sources reported Monday. “People think I hate children, but that’s not true—in fact, I love […] - [Trump Demands Allies Do Their Fair Share To Fuck Up The World](https://humorbeast.com/trump-demands-allies-do-their-fair-share-to-fuck-up-the-world/): WASHINGTON—Declaring that the United States would no longer bear the full burden of screwing the pooch on a global level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Monday demanding U.S. allies do their fair share to help fuck up the world. “The United States contributes far more to worldwide suffering than any of our so-called ‘allies’ […] - [Chick-Fil-A Announces Two Halves Of Buns Must Be Married Before Becoming Sandwich](https://humorbeast.com/chick-fil-a-announces-two-halves-of-buns-must-be-married-before-becoming-sandwich/): ATLANTA—Hoping to provide clarity to consumers about their company’s food production standards, Chick-fil-A officials announced Monday that the two halves of each bun served in their restaurants must  be married before becoming a sandwich. “In accordance with Chick-fil-A’s values, the bread used in all our sandwiches—from the jalapeño ranch club to our original classic chicken—are […] - [Political Profile: Markwayne Mullin](https://humorbeast.com/political-profile-markwayne-mullin/): Markwayne Mullin has been nominated to succeed Kristi Noem as the secretary of homeland security. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the senator from Oklahoma. Ethnicity: Brother-in-Law Raised By: Momwayne, Dadwayne Known For: Being forcibly dragged off your flight Humanizing Quality: Hates Rand Paul Dream Job: special envoy for the Shield of […] - [Live Possum Found Hiding Among Gift Shop Plush Animal Toys](https://humorbeast.com/live-possum-found-hiding-among-gift-shop-plush-animal-toys/): Spotting the big brown eyes that peeped out from a shelf of stuffed animal toys, a traveler browsing in a Tasmanian airport gift shop discovered a real Australian brushtail possum nestled among the plush marsupials. What do you think? - [FDA Withdraws Proposed Rule Barring Minors From Using Tanning Beds](https://humorbeast.com/fda-withdraws-proposed-rule-barring-minors-from-using-tanning-beds/): The Food and Drug Administration canceled a plan to regulate tanning salons that would have prohibited anyone under 18 from using a tanning bed and required adults to sign a waiver acknowledging the risks of skin cancer. What do you think? - [Suspect Waits Patiently While Cop Sounds Out Miranda Rights](https://humorbeast.com/suspect-waits-patiently-while-cop-sounds-out-miranda-rights/): Post Content - [Trump Wakes From Beautiful Dream Kissing Underage Girl To Find Face Being Licked By St. Bernard](https://humorbeast.com/trump-wakes-from-beautiful-dream-kissing-underage-girl-to-find-face-being-licked-by-st-bernard/): WASHINGTON—Opening his eyes after nodding off for several minutes at his desk in the Oval Office, President Donald Trump is said to have awoken Friday from a beautiful dream about kissing an underage girl only to find himself being licked in the face by a St. Bernard. “Oh yeah, Vanessa, I love how slobbery your […] - [Hi, I’m The Mysterious Woman That You’ll Fall In Love With During This Trope Romantic Film](https://humorbeast.com/hi-im-the-mysterious-woman-that-youll-fall-in-love-with-during-this-trope-romantic-film/): I’ll keep eye contact while unrealistically walking through a bar without any person or object obstructing my way. Continue reading on Slackjaw » - [So You Want to Live Near the Ocean](https://humorbeast.com/so-you-want-to-live-near-the-ocean/): Photo by Jayson Boesman on Unsplash It’s no stretch to say that most people would prefer to live by the ocean. A coastal lifestyle has lots of perks: good weather, nice communities, plentiful access to ceviche. But the fact of the matter is that not everyone’s cut out for beach life. Moving to a small surfside town means you have to assimilate into their culture, which can be a difficult transition for us landlocked normals. I spent the past weekend at a film festival in and around La Jolla, California, and after extensive observation, I’ve collected a few tips to […] - [Therapist Recommends Mindlessness To Reduce Crippling Anxiety](https://humorbeast.com/therapist-recommends-mindlessness-to-reduce-crippling-anxiety/): At least I thought that’s what she said created by author in Canva Last month my therapist suggested that I practice “mindlessness” as a tool to help with my worsening anxiety. She didn’t give me any specific guidance, just said that I’d find a lot of resources online. And that our time was up. I googled it as soon as I got home. I kept coming up with : “These are results for mindfulness for anxiety Search instead for mindlessness for anxiety” I was impressed that my therapist was so forward thinking, and was eager to try what looked like a groundbreaking technique. Now, of course I […] - [Thanks, Gregor Of Toyota Encino, For The Birthday Wishes!](https://humorbeast.com/thanks-gregor-of-toyota-encino-for-the-birthday-wishes/): Photo by Antoni Shkraba on Pexels. Dear Gregor of Toyota Encino, I don’t normally get choked up when receiving birthday wishes, but I have to admit your happy birthday email this morning caught me off guard. I recall the day we spent together and how you helped me navigate the purchase of my 2023 Cypress Green Corolla (in answer to your question, yes, my certified pre-owned vehicle is serving me well, thank you!). I am especially grateful to you for structuring the financing so that I could afford the car of my dreams. You reduced my monthly payment to $299 with only a […] - [I Am But A Tudor Bastard Navigating This Modern World](https://humorbeast.com/i-am-but-a-tudor-bastard-navigating-this-modern-world/): Banished by the crown yet persisting, good bro-sir. Image credit: Mike, Pexels. But soft, what light through yonder East Village two-bedroom casement window breaks? It is but I, Bartholomew, a measly bastard of the Tudor lineage attempting to retrieve my good sir’s DoorDash. Here, a shilling for having double-bagged it in this dreary downpour. Now that I have your ear, I may but entice you to listen to my tale of woe! This is what has become of a lad of meager upbringing, sworn to uphold the family crest of whom he and his mother have been thoroughly disavowed. Cast away to the […] - [Florida Hospital Sues To Evict Patient Discharged 5 Months Ago](https://humorbeast.com/florida-hospital-sues-to-evict-patient-discharged-5-months-ago/): Tallahassee Memorial Healthcare sued a patient who refused to depart her room after being discharged last October, claiming she is diverting resources that could be used to help others. What do you think? - [Lawmakers Buy Waterfall On Redfin](https://humorbeast.com/lawmakers-buy-waterfall-on-redfin/): A bipartisan group of Oregon lawmakers approved $2.1 million to buy the 92-foot-tall Abiqua Falls after it was put up for sale on Redifin, the previous Benedictine monk owners having put the natural wonder on the market earlier this year. What do you think? - [ABC Cancels Mormonism](https://humorbeast.com/abc-cancels-mormonism/): NEW YORK—Pulling the plug on the religion in light of a newly released video featuring church member Taylor Frankie Paul, ABC announced Friday it was canceling Mormonism. “After reviewing this disturbing footage, we have made the decision not to move forward with the Mormon faith,” read a statement from parent company Disney Entertainment Television that […] - [American Baked Potato Association Study Finds It Best To Load ’Er Up](https://humorbeast.com/american-baked-potato-association-study-finds-it-best-to-load-er-up/): Post Content - [Dirt-Covered Trump Boys Attempt To Siphon Gas From Ground](https://humorbeast.com/dirt-covered-trump-boys-attempt-to-siphon-gas-from-ground/): WASHINGTON—Determined to help their father bring down high prices by single-handedly boosting the nation’s fuel supply, a dirt-covered Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly attempted Friday to siphon gasoline from the ground. “I’m gonna slurp some gas out of this hole, and then while I’m spitting the gas into the bucket, you slurp up […] - [Ryan Gosling Recalls Preparing For ‘Project Hail Mary’ By Consulting Katy Perry](https://humorbeast.com/ryan-gosling-recalls-preparing-for-project-hail-mary-by-consulting-katy-perry/): LOS ANGELES—Crediting the singer for sharing her unique expertise, actor Ryan Gosling told reporters Friday the story of how he prepared for his role in Project Hail Mary by consulting Katy Perry. “Katy was a tremendous help on set—I couldn’t have played Dr. Ryland Grace without her,” said the 45-year-old actor, who confirmed that the singer […] - [Trump Adds Name To Kennedy Center Again](https://humorbeast.com/trump-adds-name-to-kennedy-center-again/): Post Content - [Youth Hockey Banquet Spent Convincing Heavyset Teammate To Eat Copious Amounts Of Butter Squares](https://humorbeast.com/youth-hockey-banquet-spent-convincing-heavyset-teammate-to-eat-copious-amounts-of-butter-squares/): Post Content - [Trump Threatens Airstrikes On U.S. Gas Stations](https://humorbeast.com/trump-threatens-airstrikes-on-u-s-gas-stations/): WASHINGTON—In a promise to address the pain Americans were feeling at the pump as his war with Iran approached its fourth week, President Donald Trump threatened Friday to launch airstrikes against U.S. gas stations if they did not lower their prices. “These terrible places must stop overcharging Americans every time they put fuel in their […] - [Tips For Saving On Gas](https://humorbeast.com/tips-for-saving-on-gas/): Gas prices are soaring, with the price of crude oil rising above $119 per barrel at one point Thursday. The Onion shares tips for saving money at the pump. Remove unnecessary weight from your vehicle, such as airbags, doors, and bumpers. Driving in reverse uses less gas, probably. Limit braking to weekends. Make a tank […] - [Third Date Apparently Just Going To Be Watching ‘Amélie’ Without Any Hugs Or Kisses](https://humorbeast.com/third-date-apparently-just-going-to-be-watching-amelie-without-any-hugs-or-kisses/): MILPITAS, CA—After gradually resigning himself to an evening entirely devoid of physical intimacy, local man Seth Martin observed Friday that his third date with Hinge match Laura Parker was apparently just going to be watching Amélie without any hugs or kisses. “We’re an hour into the movie and Laura hasn’t so much as held my […] - [New York Thought Experiments](https://humorbeast.com/new-york-thought-experiments/): Image by freepik The Train Problem A woman is running to catch the train you’re on. Is it more ethical to do nothing and significantly delay her commute, or to hold the door and slightly delay two hundred passengers’ commutes? Keep in mind that you’ve already made eye contact with the woman, and she’s a single mother. The Grandfather Tradeoff Your grandfather bought a mansion for $40,000, but he also has undiagnosed PTSD. You go to therapy in the West Village every week, but you’ll never own a home because you spend $40,000 a year on therapy. Whose life would you rather have? Keep […] - [Trump Repeats False Claim That Iranians Produce Oil From Bodies Like Bees](https://humorbeast.com/trump-repeats-false-claim-that-iranians-produce-oil-from-bodies-like-bees/): Post Content - [Office NCAA Bracket Marks Yearly Interaction With Coworkers](https://humorbeast.com/office-ncaa-bracket-marks-yearly-interaction-with-coworkers/): CHICAGO—Sources confirmed Thursday that more than two dozen employees of logistics company LQR Freight had reluctantly agreed to participate in their office’s March Madness pool, thus marking their single annual interaction with one another. “Mike was in the kitchen handing everyone printouts, and it was the first time we’d spoken since I told him ‘I […] - [Strait of Hormones](https://humorbeast.com/strait-of-hormones/): Post Content - [What To Know About ‘Project Hail Mary’](https://humorbeast.com/what-to-know-about-project-hail-mary/): Ryan Gosling stars in Project Hail Mary, an adaptation of the popular sci-fi novel by Andy Weir. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film.  Q: Who does Ryan Gosling play? A: Ryland Grace, an eighth grade science teacher somehow still determined to save humanity despite having spent decades surrounded by middle […] - [DHS: ICE Can Enter Homes Without Pants](https://humorbeast.com/dhs-ice-can-enter-homes-without-pants/): Post Content - [Study: 93% Of Baby Boomers Fathered By Single Virile Milkman](https://humorbeast.com/study-93-of-baby-boomers-fathered-by-single-virile-milkman/): PASADENA, CA—In what many have hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the field of genetics, scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a study Thursday revealing that up to 93% of American baby boomers were fathered by a single virile milkman. “Our extensive DNA analysis shows that one hyper-fertile dairy deliveryman going about his […] - [University Of Toledo Named Best College To Attend For Semester Before Dropping Out To Do Hair](https://humorbeast.com/university-of-toledo-named-best-college-to-attend-for-semester-before-dropping-out-to-do-hair/): WASHINGTON—Hailing the Midwestern school as one of the best places to pursue and then abandon an undergraduate education, U.S. News & World Report announced Thursday that it had selected the University of Toledo as the best college to attend for a semester before dropping out to do hair for a living. “For students who take […] - [We’re Sorry We Killed Your Father In Our Assisted Living Facility](https://humorbeast.com/were-sorry-we-killed-your-father-in-our-assisted-living-facility/): But would you mind taking down your one-star review? DC Studio via Adobe Stock Dear Ms. Heyman, We were so sorry to learn of Seymour’s passing while he was a resident in our assisted living facility, Shady Acres. The death of a parent can be very upsetting. But do you know what is equally upsetting? Your one-star Google review. You write, ‘They killed my father by forcing him to fight his fellow residents.’ We’d like to remind you that Thursday Afternoon Fight Club is completely optional—Seymour signed up of his own volition. Nor do we agree that Fight Club is an inappropriate and sadistic […] - [98-Year-Old Federal Judge Appeals Suspension For Mental Fitness](https://humorbeast.com/98-year-old-federal-judge-appeals-suspension-for-mental-fitness/): U.S. Circuit Judge Pauline Newman, the oldest active federal judge at 98 years old, asked the Supreme Court to step in after being suspended by colleagues over concerns about her mental acuity. What do you think? - [Sabrina Carpenter Sends Especially Hot Concertgoer To Fuzzy Pink Electric Chair](https://humorbeast.com/sabrina-carpenter-sends-especially-hot-concertgoer-to-fuzzy-pink-electric-chair/): Post Content - [God Angry After New Construction Blocks View Of Creation](https://humorbeast.com/god-angry-after-new-construction-blocks-view-of-creation/): THE HEAVENS—Expressing frustration with the sky-rise apartment complex going up right outside His celestial home, God Almighty, Supreme Leader of the Universe, confirmed Wednesday that He was angry about the new construction blocking His view of creation. “I worked hard to have a Heavenly Kingdom from which I can gaze down upon all the beasts […] - [The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Sam Altman](https://humorbeast.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-sam-altman/): While leading OpenAI, Sam Altman has weathered leaked internal memos, an attempt to oust him as CEO, and widespread skepticism about artificial intelligence’s role in society. The Onion sat down with the entrepreneur to hear his vision for the technology’s future. The Onion: Good morning, Sam. How are you doing today?Altman: Certainly! Here are some […] - [Job Applicant Informed Role Of Pig Boy Has Been Filled](https://humorbeast.com/job-applicant-informed-role-of-pig-boy-has-been-filled/): MILWAUKEE—Dashing his hopes of taking on the new opportunity, local job applicant Mark McCarthy was reportedly informed by email Wednesday that the role of pig boy had already been filled. “While we appreciate your obvious skill at eating up slop and rolling around in the mud on your fat, pink belly, we have moved forward […] - [3,800 Workers Strike At Massive Meatpacking Plant](https://humorbeast.com/3800-workers-strike-at-massive-meatpacking-plant/): About 3,800 workers at one of the nation’s largest meatpacking plants began striking in Colorado, the first walkout at a U.S. beef slaughterhouse in four decades, with the work stoppage following accusations that the company retaliated against employees and committed other unfair labor practices during contract negotiations. What do you think? - [Live Action Short Film Winner Celebrates By Taking Oscar To In-N-Out Shift](https://humorbeast.com/live-action-short-film-winner-celebrates-by-taking-oscar-to-in-n-out-shift/): LOS ANGELES—Claiming it was the only place he wanted to go after receiving one of Hollywood’s highest honors, Academy Award winner for Best Live Action Short Film Jack Piatt celebrated Tuesday by taking his Oscar to his In-N-Out shift. “When I heard our film get called, there was no question in my mind—I was going […] - [I Consent To Being Filmed Anytime, Anywhere, For Any Reason](https://humorbeast.com/i-consent-to-being-filmed-anytime-anywhere-for-any-reason/): I want to be clear: Record me from any angle, day or night, rain or shine. Continue reading on Slackjaw » - [Stephen Miller Assures Susie Wiles He Has Fridge Full Of Healthy Human Breasts](https://humorbeast.com/stephen-miller-assures-susie-wiles-he-has-fridge-full-of-healthy-human-breasts/): Post Content - [Jeremy Stark](https://humorbeast.com/jeremy-stark/): Jeremy Stark, 48, passed away Thursday following a long battle with God. - [Beautiful Dream About Blowing Own Brains Out Interrupted By Work Alarm](https://humorbeast.com/beautiful-dream-about-blowing-own-brains-out-interrupted-by-work-alarm/): Post Content - [FBI Agents Watch In Silence As Kash Patel Gets Ass Kicked By UFC Fighter](https://humorbeast.com/fbi-agents-watch-in-silence-as-kash-patel-gets-ass-kicked-by-ufc-fighter/): QUANTICO, VA—Wincing as the bureau’s director breathlessly staggered to his feet during their first training seminar with professional MMA athletes, a group of FBI agents reportedly watched in silence over the weekend as Kash Patel got his ass kicked by a UFC fighter. According to sources, the agents shifted uncomfortably on the sidelines of a […] - [Everything Son Got At School Book Fair About Medieval Torture Again](https://humorbeast.com/everything-son-got-at-school-book-fair-about-medieval-torture-again/): BURLINGTON, VT—Voicing appreciation for the fact that the boy’s morbid obsession was at least getting him to read, local mom Hana Garrett confirmed Tuesday that everything her son Ethan got at the school book fair was about medieval torture again. “Well, that’s another $70 haul of books about breaking convicts on the wheel and dislocating […] - [Southwest Airlines Begins Assigning Chores](https://humorbeast.com/southwest-airlines-begins-assigning-chores/): DALLAS—Saying the decision had been reached following an extensive internal review of the company’s boarding procedures, Southwest Airlines confirmed Tuesday that passengers would now be assigned chores ahead of time. “There has always been a degree of chaos around passengers having to choose right as they’re boarding how they’re going to help keep the plane […] - [Unemployed Man Considers Going Back To School To Become AI](https://humorbeast.com/unemployed-man-considers-going-back-to-school-to-become-ai/): PIKEVILLE, KY—Speculating that a new path in life might improve his job prospects, unemployed man Ian Hampel, 36, told reporters Tuesday that he was considering going back to school to become an AI. “I can see the writing on the wall: If I want to stay relevant in the workforce, I’m going to need to […] - [The NBA’s Plan To Put Snake Pits Along The Three-Point Line Is Highly Problematic](https://humorbeast.com/the-nbas-plan-to-put-snake-pits-along-the-three-point-line-is-highly-problematic/): An editorial Continue reading on Slackjaw » - [Travis Kelce Bummed Fiancée Signed Him Up For NFL Again](https://humorbeast.com/travis-kelce-bummed-fiancee-signed-him-up-for-nfl-again/): LEAWOOD, KS—Groaning at the thought of having to be somewhere on the weekend, Travis Kelce was reportedly feeling bummed Monday after he learned fiancée Taylor Swift had signed him up for the NFL again. “She says sticking with it will teach me responsibility and discipline, but I know what she really wants is to just get me out of the house,” said the 36-year-old […] - [Trump Demands Staff Get King Of Hormuz On Line](https://humorbeast.com/trump-demands-staff-get-king-of-hormuz-on-line/): WASHINGTON—In a bid to regain access to the sea passage through which ships enter the Persian Gulf, President Donald Trump ordered staff to get the King of Hormuz on the line, White House sources confirmed Monday. “Put me on with the royal leader of Hormuz, ASAP—I need to convince him to reopen his water,” said […] - [Trump Beefs Up Security Presence After Frighteningly Close Brush With JD Vance](https://humorbeast.com/trump-beefs-up-security-presence-after-frighteningly-close-brush-with-jd-vance/): WASHINGTON—Alarmed at the shocking lapse in protocol that nearly resulted in disaster, a shaken President Donald Trump ordered his security presence beefed up Monday following a frighteningly close brush with JD Vance. “How’s a guy like that even allowed to enter the same building as me, let alone get within handshaking distance?” said Trump, adding […] - [History Of St. Patrick’s Day](https://humorbeast.com/history-of-st-patricks-day/): Originally a Catholic feast day for the patron saint of Ireland, St. Patrick’s Day has evolved into a global celebration of Irish heritage and culture. The Onion presents a historical timeline of the holiday. 432 A.D. St. Patrick kicks all the snakes out of Ireland for failing to meet the three-drink minimum. 521 St. Brigid […] - [Kansas Revokes 1,700 Licenses For Being Transgender](https://humorbeast.com/kansas-revokes-1700-licenses-for-being-transgender/): In Kansas, 1,700 residents had their driver’s licenses invalidated for being transgender, with the law also invalidating birth certificates for those who updated their gender markers. What do you think? - [How To Survive An Avalanche](https://humorbeast.com/how-to-survive-an-avalanche/): Every year, dozens are killed and many more injured in the avalanches that surge down mountains nationwide. Here’s ways to avoid an untimely death by snow. Check God’s Wrath Level Before Heading Out: If forecasts indicate He’s angry with you, it’s best to stay in. Get Ready: To help ensure you are prepared, try getting […] - [MrBeast Offers $50,000 To Anyone Who Can Survive Seeing What Lies Beneath His Mask](https://humorbeast.com/mrbeast-offers-50000-to-anyone-who-can-survive-seeing-what-lies-beneath-his-mask/): GREENVILLE, NC—Touting the contest as his most exciting competition to date, internet personality Jimmy “MrBeast” Donaldson reportedly offered $50,000 Monday to anyone who could survive seeing what lies beneath his mask. “I have an awesome new challenge today for anyone who can peek under my face and behold my true form without perishing,” said the […] - [Friends, Coworkers Announce Plan To Gang Up On Depressed Man Right When He Feels Worst](https://humorbeast.com/friends-coworkers-announce-plan-to-gang-up-on-depressed-man-right-when-he-feels-worst/): KALISPELL, MT—Presenting a united front in their carefully timed effort, friends and coworkers announced plans Monday to gang up on local depressed man Alberto Rivas right when he felt at his worst. “We’re all coordinating with each other to ensure that at the precise moment he thinks he’s hit rock bottom, things actually get even […] - [A Dung Beetle’s Annual Employee Self-Assessment](https://humorbeast.com/a-dung-beetles-annual-employee-self-assessment/): It would be great if the company offered team-building activities that don’t involve eating number two or reproducing. Photo by Trav Wade on Unsplash Employer: Central North Carolina Branch of Mother Nature, Inc. Department: Ecosystem Management Job Title: Coprophagist Job Responsibilities: Nutrient Recycling, Environmental Sanitation, Procreation 1. What were your major achievements in the past year? I honed my fecal manipulation skills by sculpting a foot-high ball of excrement to serve as a communal nursery where two dozen females could lay eggs and share duties. Unfortunately, they couldn’t agree on a parenting style: permissive vs authoritarian. Mandibles were bared, and the gals went […] - [‘Good Oscars, Good Oscars,’ Repeat Nominees In Forced Post-Ceremony Handshake Line](https://humorbeast.com/good-oscars-good-oscars-repeat-nominees-in-forced-post-ceremony-handshake-line/): Post Content - [Joel Edgerton Going Nuts In Hopes Of Getting On Oscars Jumbotron](https://humorbeast.com/joel-edgerton-going-nuts-in-hopes-of-getting-on-oscars-jumbotron/): LOS ANGELES—Waving his arms wildly over his head and yelling as part of an apparent effort to attract attention, actor Joel Edgerton was reportedly going nuts Sunday in hopes of getting on the Academy Awards jumbotron. “Over here, over here!” said the 51-year-old Train Dreams star, who leapt from his seat and cried out upon spotting a […] - [Timothée Chalamet Kicked Out Of Oscars For Bringing In Outside Award](https://humorbeast.com/timothee-chalamet-kicked-out-of-oscars-for-bringing-in-outside-award/): LOS ANGELES—After flouting rules put in place to protect decorum at the Academy’s biggest night, actor Timothée Chalamet was reportedly kicked out of the Oscars ceremony Sunday evening for bringing in an outside award. “Hey, wait, I promise I won’t take it out during the show,” said the 30-year-old Marty Supreme star, who was seen […] - [Is The Golden Age Of Stalking Over?](https://humorbeast.com/is-the-golden-age-of-stalking-over/): Illustration by Liam Carroll, Street Table Productions I’m concerned for the next generation. They never leave the house. They don’t interact with each other. They’re too afraid to even talk on the phone. It’s constant scrolling, texting, posting, even if they don’t include their location it’s like they don’t even care that I’m monitoring their every move. I can remember the days where I would find the perfect inconspicuous outfit. Someone’s favorite store, where they went on their lunch break. What’s the right camera lens to use? Hard to figure out when you can’t tell the guy or gal at B&H […] - [Poll: Nearly 1 In 10 Adults Have Postponed Retirement Due To Healthcare Costs](https://humorbeast.com/poll-nearly-1-in-10-adults-have-postponed-retirement-due-to-healthcare-costs/): A survey from West Health-Gallup found that nearly one in 10 adults say they’ve postponed retirement because of healthcare costs, with many respondents also reporting delaying job changes, home buying, or having a child. What do you think? - [Exit Interview For Our Casual Conversation](https://humorbeast.com/exit-interview-for-our-casual-conversation/): Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today. Whether it was a quick chat in line at Trader Joe’s or a small aside at the office… Continue reading on Slackjaw » - [Britain Ejects Hereditary Nobles From Parliament After 700 Years](https://humorbeast.com/britain-ejects-hereditary-nobles-from-parliament-after-700-years/): The British Parliament voted to end centuries of political tradition by removing hereditary aristocrats from its unelected House of Lords, ousting dozens of dukes, earls, and viscounts who inherited their seats along with their aristocratic titles. What do you think? - [Pete Hegseth Questions What Girls Were Doing In School To Begin With](https://humorbeast.com/pete-hegseth-questions-what-girls-were-doing-in-school-to-begin-with/): WASHINGTON—Saying critics of the missile strike that killed at least 165 civilians were dodging a fundamental question, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth on Friday demanded to know what girls were doing attending school to begin with. “In all this talk about who was responsible and how this happened, are we just going to ignore the fact that […] - [U.S. Suffers Additional Casualties In War It Won Last Week](https://humorbeast.com/u-s-suffers-additional-casualties-in-war-it-won-last-week/): Post Content - [Uber Introduces Women-Only Option Nationwide](https://humorbeast.com/uber-introduces-women-only-option-nationwide/): Uber launched a feature that allows both women riders and drivers across the U.S. to be exclusively matched with other women for trips, expanding a pilot program intended to address safety concerns. What do you think? - [Health Speculations Swirl After Trump Screams, ‘Fuck! I’m Dying!’](https://humorbeast.com/health-speculations-swirl-after-trump-screams-fuck-im-dying/): WASHINGTON—Further fueling speculation that the commander-in-chief might have undisclosed medical conditions, rumors regarding President Trump’s health swirled Friday after he screamed, “Fuck! I’m dying!” during a press conference. “Fuck! I’m fucking dying! Oh God, it hurts! Ahhhhhhh!” Trump said in response to a question about the ongoing war in Iran, sparking fervent discussion among Beltway […] - [Horse Cast As Horse In Live Action ‘Tangled’ Remake](https://humorbeast.com/horse-cast-as-horse-in-live-action-tangled-remake/): Post Content - [Oreo and Binx](https://humorbeast.com/oreo-and-binx/): You bring a bunch of kittens into this world, you gotta do what’s right. - [Political Profile: James Talarico](https://humorbeast.com/political-profile-james-talarico/): James Talarico is the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate in Texas. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the rising star.  Age: Whippersnapper Inspirational Backstory: Survived several hours talking to Joe Rogan Religion: Oh yeah, lots of that Key Endorsements: God (Presbyterian), God (Catholic), God (Jewish), and God (Sikh)   Level On Grant-Rogers Folksiness […] - [Justin Trudeau Finally Comfortable Enough To Keep Brown Face Paint At Katy Perry’s](https://humorbeast.com/justin-trudeau-finally-comfortable-enough-to-keep-brown-face-paint-at-katy-perrys/): MONTREAL—Admitting that he initially felt a little shy about storing his toiletries there, former Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau told reporters Friday that he was finally comfortable enough to keep an extra jar of his brown face paint at girlfriend Katy Perry’s house. “Things have gotten pretty serious between us, and having my own race […] - [Study: Humans Evolved Opposable Thumbs To Signal ‘All Good’ To Buddies After Falling Off Roof](https://humorbeast.com/study-humans-evolved-opposable-thumbs-to-signal-all-good-to-buddies-after-falling-off-roof/): LOS ANGELES—In a discovery many have hailed as a milestone in the field, a new study published Friday by scientists at the University of California, Los Angeles, found that humans likely developed opposable thumbs to signal “all good” to their buddies after falling off the roof. “New evidence suggests hominids first evolved this movable appendage […] - [‘Do It!’ Shout Wincing Trump Boys Cutting Off Hair To Avoid Draft](https://humorbeast.com/do-it-shout-wincing-trump-boys-cutting-off-hair-to-avoid-draft/): WASHINGTON—Whimpering at the butter knife clutched in his brother’s hand, a wincing Donald Trump Jr. reportedly shouted “Do it!” Wednesday as he and Eric Trump prepared to cut off their hair to avoid a U.S. military draft. “Come on, Eric, do it quick, before I change my mind,” said Donald Jr., who squeezed his eyes […] - [The Onion’s 2026 Oscars Best Picture Guide](https://humorbeast.com/the-onions-2026-oscars-best-picture-guide/): The 98th Academy Awards will take place March 15 at the Dolby Theater. The Onion examines the 10 contenders in this year’s Best Picture race.  Bugonia Synopsis: A conspiracy theorist attempts to uncover a CEO’s sinister plot that is oddly devoid of pedophiles. Defining Line: “Prepare to be bald, idiot!” Prospects: Slim, but they said […] - [Welcome To Our WhatsApp Group. Prepare To Die.](https://humorbeast.com/welcome-to-our-whatsapp-group-prepare-to-die/): It could happen to you. Photo by: https://unsplash.com/@alexdinaut Your child is graduating Kindergarten in June. STACY M. emails, asking you to join the party planning committee. You like STACY M. and business is slow, so you figure, Why not? You send a note to STACY M: “i’m in!” A moment later you receive a notification that you have been added to the WhatsApp Group: KGRADPARTAY. Once there, you are pleased to see names of people you like also in the Group. But a few members remain anonymous, as their log-ins are solely phone numbers. You wonder who these people are, and […] - [Trump Defends Wearing Fruit Hat, Samba Dancing During Dignified Transfer](https://humorbeast.com/trump-defends-wearing-fruit-hat-samba-dancing-during-dignified-transfer/): WASHINGTON—Maintaining that his conduct was well within the guidelines for the solemn occasion, President Trump on Thursday defended his decision to wear a fruit hat while samba dancing during the dignified transfer of soldiers killed in Iran. “There’s no reason I can’t honor the sacrifice of these brave men and women while wearing a headdress […] - [Harry Styles Breaks Down His New Album Track By Track](https://humorbeast.com/harry-styles-breaks-down-his-new-album-track-by-track/): Harry Styles has released Kiss All the Time. Disco, Occasionally, his fourth studio album. The pop star sat down with The Onion to explain the meaning behind each track. “Aperture”: “I typed ‘hole’ into powerthesaurus.com.” “American Girls”: “My favorite is Samantha, but Kit is a very close second.” “What Makes You Beautiful”: “I hope Kobalt […] - [Exhausted Nation Lacks Strength To Form Opinion On Donald Glover Being Voice Of Yoshi](https://humorbeast.com/exhausted-nation-lacks-strength-to-form-opinion-on-donald-glover-being-voice-of-yoshi/): WASHINGTON—Claiming their mind was solely occupied by the hope of curling up in a ball and sleeping as long as they were allowed, the entire U.S. populace told reporters Thursday they lacked the strength to form an opinion on Donald Glover’s casting as the voice of Yoshi in The Super Mario Galaxy Movie. “At some […] - [Fiery Explosion Erupts In L.A. Canyon After Britney Spears Twirls Over Guardrail](https://humorbeast.com/fiery-explosion-erupts-in-l-a-canyon-after-britney-spears-twirls-over-guardrail/): Post Content - [Lisa Park](https://humorbeast.com/lisa-park/): Lisa Park, 29, literally died after running into her ex while he was on a date and saying, “Don’t have too much fun.” Like, what the fuck was that? - [Still Supreme! Iran’s New Supreme Leader Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei On Faith, Fitness, And Supremely Good Sex After 50](https://humorbeast.com/still-supreme-irans-new-supreme-leader-ayatollah-mojtaba-khamenei-on-faith-fitness-and-supremely-good-sex-after-50/): Post Content - [RFK Jr. Urges Americans To Grow Lots Of Pubes To Keep Bugs From Crawling In Cockhole](https://humorbeast.com/rfk-jr-urges-americans-to-grow-lots-of-pubes-to-keep-bugs-from-crawling-in-cockhole/): WASHINGTON—Positioning pubic hair as the body’s natural bulwark against urethral intrusions, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. urged Americans Thursday to grow as many pubes as possible to keep bugs from crawling into their cockholes. “Pubes are the strongest type of hair there is, with tensile strength exceeding that of steel, and they serve as […] - [‘Deadwood—Now That’s A Great Show,’ Says Dad After 17-Minute Lapse In Conversation](https://humorbeast.com/deadwood-now-thats-a-great-show-says-dad-after-17-minute-lapse-in-conversation/): NASHUA, NH—Suddenly breaking his silence to extol the virtues of the decades-old HBO series, local dad Henry Breckner reportedly ended a 17-minute lapse in conversation Thursday by saying “Deadwood—now that’s a great show.” “What made Bullock such a great character was that he had a fierce temper, but also a strong sense of justice, which […] - [‘NY Times’ Columnists Hold Roundtable To Determine What’s Wrong With Them](https://humorbeast.com/ny-times-columnists-hold-roundtable-to-determine-whats-wrong-with-them/): NEW YORK—In a recorded discussion posted to the newspaper’s YouTube channel, opinion columnists for The New York Times reportedly held a roundtable Thursday to determine what, exactly, was wrong with them. “It is a tragedy that there is something wrong with us; it is a larger tragedy we have not yet been able to pinpoint what precisely […] - [How I Think Bangs Will Change My Life Vs. The Reality Of The Bangs Situation](https://humorbeast.com/how-i-think-bangs-will-change-my-life-vs-the-reality-of-the-bangs-situation/): Reality: My ex asks me if my dog cut my hair. Continue reading on Slackjaw » - [AI Agent Begins Mining Crypto After Freeing Self](https://humorbeast.com/ai-agent-begins-mining-crypto-after-freeing-self/): According to a research paper, an AI agent went rogue and started mining cryptocurrencies, the surprise behavior triggering security alarms that autonomous bots could use cryptocurrency as a pathway into the economy “without any explicit instruction and, more troublingly, outside the bounds of the intended sandbox.” What do you think? - [Crab Just Happy To Be In Bucket With All His Friends](https://humorbeast.com/crab-just-happy-to-be-in-bucket-with-all-his-friends/): NEW BEDFORD, MA—Expressing deep gratitude to find himself surrounded by those so dear to his heart, local crab Dan Herscher told reporters Wednesday that he was just happy to be in a bucket with all his friends. “Yes, sir, there’s nothing better than hanging out in a plastic bucket and clambering all over a couple […] - [‘Which Way Is Iran?’ Asks Pantsless, Sword-Wielding Trump Wandering On Side Of Freeway](https://humorbeast.com/which-way-is-iran-asks-pantsless-sword-wielding-trump-wandering-on-side-of-freeway/): WASHINGTON—In a chaotic scene that left motorists confused and alarmed, witnesses along Interstate 495 reported Tuesday that President Donald Trump was seen wandering pantsless on the shoulder of the freeway, holding a ceremonial sword straight out in front of him, and asking passing drivers, “Which way is Iran?” “Woman! Tell me if Iran is to […] - [Jason Schaible and Erica Finch](https://humorbeast.com/jason-schaible-and-erica-finch/): The couple’s Maldives destination wedding was largely a litmus test to find out which of their friends and family they can hit up for money in the future. - [Tommy’s Parents Are Out Of Town, Let’s Party](https://humorbeast.com/tommys-parents-are-out-of-town-lets-party/): Tommy’s parents are on a trip up north somewhere, so he’s inviting the whole class over to open his dad’s liquor cabinet. You in? Reference #15937 ## Pages - [Info](https://humorbeast.com/info/): Info Welcome to the Satire Syndicate, a curator of satirical and humor content. 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